Moving Forward In The New Year

­Another year in our lives has come and gone.  It is a new month, a new week and another cold, but sunny, winter day.  One of the perks that I have come to cherish while living in the south is that I can almost always look forward to a sunny blue sky during this time of year.  Having recently visited the northwest, I found that I had really missed this element of the season. 

I sit here with my musical Soundscapes, the space heater hums away and my down-feathered slipper booties keep me warm and cozy.  I have tried to write recently, but I haven't been able to clear my mind and focus.  I have to be in a creative mode to write, compose, and to just create in general.  If I get in the right mood, things tend to reveal themselves.  The last half a year however, has been less about reflecting and more about action - putting thoughts and goals into motion.  It's hard to quiet your mind when you are in motion and your wheels are still spinning.  That's why I like to find a Zen place in my mind, so that creativity can begin to flow.  It is at these mind-freeing moments that I know that all of the rest will take care of itself.

Finding A Balance - Family Needs Versus Self Needs

Over the past few months I have been trying to find a state of balance in my life.  More specifically, I have been trying to find it in both larger and smaller scopes.  Doing so has enabled me to balance family life with time for myself.  This process started with an image; something that embodies the idea of what balance is for me.  I asked myself what I need and want, set some goals, came up with a realistic plan, and finally, I took action and followed through with that plan.  

The first image that came to my mind was a kaleidoscope.  When we look through a kaleidoscope, we see a vibrant image, but are drawn into the smaller details that produce that image.  The dual, large and small, shapes coexist and are therefore interconnected.  One cannot exist without the other.  Likewise, the family unit is that larger image.  What our role as parents is within our family unit, in contrast to who we are as individuals, affects and plays into the larger family dynamic.  The individual family members are the smaller (but important) details of what makes up the larger image of the family as a single entity.  All too often, we tend to put personal needs aside and focus on the larger image, and what's best for the family usually comes first.  If our individual needs are not met however, it means that the family unit can’t function at it's best.   

The imagery of the kaleidoscope reminded me of something else as well.  I had come across the terms macro and micro in a music theory class years ago, as being two distinct ways of looking at a composition. One way, is to look at the larger picture: the form, foundation, shape of the piece, the expression and how everything is held together structurally.  Then there are also the smaller details: the notes, rhythms, motives, themes and stylistic nuances.  What I didn't realize at the time was what a big role this concept would play in my personal journey and how it would shape my overall perception.   

Looking through the kaleidoscope while perceiving the micro/macro structure and details had made a lasting impression on me.  It is as if a seed had been planted into my mind, later sprouting branches and leaves that open up into that southern winter sky.  They seep in through the lacy intricacies of my life, as swiftly as a breeze blowing in through a soft lace-curtained window.  Consequently, it had become almost a theme, or a motive for me after starting a family.  Since both large structure and small details exist simultaneously, finding that balance in our lives, in a sense, is a multitasking activity.  However, even when we multitask, we still only really do one thing at a time.  How can we be at two places at once? 

A more literal image that comes to my mind when thinking about balance is a scale; like one of those old manually balancing ones.  Depending on which end of the scale things become overburdened, the scale ultimately ends up tipping over towards that one direction.   For example, if a spouse is out of town, and we single-parent for say, a week, the stress and irregularity of that week will end up causing us to use up much more of our own energy than what we are used to.  Typically, the job is split between two parents.  This type of situation, where a spouse pulls double duty, would cause that life-scale to tip to the overburdened side - the spouse in charge of the kids and the house.  These type of situations would cause us to feel like we had lost our balance.  When we lose our balance, it feels like the spiraling chain reaction signals our brain to think that we need to do a better job at keeping the momentum moving forward.  We crave for things to move forward at a comfortable steady pace, in order to keep that dauntingly large life-scale at just the right angle, so that it stays centered.  We do this all in order to achieve the all-too-desirable balance. 

This process leads me to revisit the question of why then should we bother to find or create a balance, when it takes so much darn energy?  Especially when as special needs parents, we don't have much of it to begin with.  I mean, is it truly worth all of the effort?  Well, if I search deep within and tap into a purely intuitive response, my answer is always: to be happy and to have peace of mind.  Part of having that peace of mind however, is to know that I did whatever I could to create that balance, so that later on I could in turn have that peace of mind.  The ultimate goal then becomes holding on to that peace (and also, that piece) for as long as possible.  But after all, it doesn't last long, unless I work on creating, recreating and achieving that sought-after balance on a regular basis.  I truly believe that when we have this precious balance in our lives, we are happy and at peace.

Don't Forget To Nurture (Yourself)

Military life with twins and a special needs child has been a very unique experience.  All of our kids have undergone speech therapy.  As I've discussed in other posts, for the twins it was a pure speech delay, and for Jake it was autism related.  There was a time period when all three kids were in diapers simultaneously and not talking yet.  I know that the stress of that time must have taken a toll on me.  At the time my focus was on moving forward, no matter how slowly.  That seems like ages ago, but it was only a few years ago. Life has definitely caught up to me now in my forties.  It is not only about taking care of the family and balancing it with part time music teaching anymore, it is doing so while managing the daily aches and pains that have caught up with my body.  This has made me realize that I can’t just keep going and going without taking time to regularly nurture myself.

There is almost an underlying pressure that as special needs parents we have to be a super mom and a super dad, to keep our family unit functional and healthy, as well as to nurture our marriage and relationship.  I can assure you that I am no hero.  It is a situation where special circumstances had dictated the course of our family path and I wouldn’t change a thing if I had to do it over again.  I truly believe that we were meant to walk this very specific path and learn what it is that we were supposed to learn on our family journey.  I try to do what I can for my family, just like everyone else out there who has similar joys and struggles (and there are so many more joys and moments that take my breath away that outweigh any given struggle). 

In the past I had fallen into the old motherhood trap, where I focus on mostly everyone else but me.  This is something I know many other moms have done and will continue to do.  Lets face it - it's in our nature to do so.  While this is admirable, it is not the best thing for our health.  Granted, certain family situations may be much tougher than others, but we can only experience our own family situation and make it functional for us.  When I am having a difficult time, I try to remind myself that there is always someone having a tougher time, as well as someone having an easier time.  Thinking about this puts things right back into perspective for me.  

The worst thing that we can end up doing to ourselves, in retrospect, is forgetting to nurture and to take care and ourselves too.  When we carry on this way for a long time it becomes ingrained into our muscle memory, affecting our daily life and routines.  Just like learning a piano piece with the wrong fingerings, or wrong rhythms, where you repeat the wrong motions over and over, it becomes ingrained into muscle memory.  This is where repetition of actions leads to an automatic response over time.  Subsequently, in order to correct this error, we have to slow down our practicing to the point that we could reconfigure our muscle memory, and relearn the correct motion.  Equally, in parenting and special needs, it would be correcting our thinking and behaviors of not making time to nurture ourselves.  At that point, it's very difficult to break out of this cycle.  Change, as I know all too well, does not happen on its own, out of sheer will.  Change initially starts mentally, by slowing ourselves down enough in order shift our attitude, change our habits, and ultimately, taking action in a different direction.

One quote comes to my mind here:

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

Neale Donald Walsch

Does this resonate with you too?

Over time, many things for our family have become so much easier.  Just the kids getting a little older has made a huge difference.  With autism however, as certain things get easier, different life stages present new challenges.  These new challenges are unpredictable and are so different for every individual on the spectrum.   Ironically, with being in school for so many years and having so many wonderful and beloved teachers, my son Jake has been the best teacher yet.  Yes, this cute little guy has been the most amazing teacher for me.  He is the one who has taught me to think about things in a completely different way.   He has taught me to think outside the box and to see things from new angles.  He has taught me to be a better person and a better mother to his younger siblings.   He has taught me to embrace life’s challenges and to focus my energy on the most important things.  I am so very proud of him and how far he has come.  I love his beautiful gentle spirit and his smile that melts my heart.  And I am so proud of our family and the love that we have for one another.

Setting A Few Specific Goals

What has probably helped me the most in creating a balance between family life and me time, is setting only a few specific goals and a concrete plan to be successful at achieving them.  One of my personal goals was to be more active.  So basically, anything new that I was going to start doing would mean being more active.  Jokes aside, I have been going for walks more often, and riding my bike when the weather is nice.  This is something that I want to keep going for the rest of my life.  It was important for me to choose an activity that was not overly taxing, that would be something that I could realistically envision myself continuing long-term.  It has become one of my favorite unwinding as well as energizing activities because it gives me a chance to have silence and to clear my head.  Silence is golden! As I like to teach my music students: silences are just as important as sound.  If we have non-stop sound, our ears get washed out with stimuli.  We get tired of filtering information, and then the music becomes the background, and not the most important thing.  The same holds true in our lives.  We need silence in order to process things and clear our minds.  This makes room for new information to soon get processed by an attentive receiver - us.   On the other hand, if I happen to crave stimuli, I listen to music while I walk.

"The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Downtime

I prioritized plugging into activities that I enjoy for my down time.  Sometimes that means getting together with a friend over coffee, a dinner out, being creative, stretching (I like to do a mishmash of things I’ve picked up over the years: yoga, dance stretches, physical therapy stretches and Pilates).  It's easy, as moms, to feel guilty if we're not doing something constantly around the house.  After all, when we are at home, there is always something that demands our attention.  There is always something that needs to get done - the job is endless.  I therefore work on fighting the urge to get house stuff done when I'm exhausted, and I just let my mind and body rest without guilt.  I'm not always successful, because just the nature of being home begs to get something done, so I make a conscious effort to make downtime for myself.  It is the best gift that I can give myself.  This makes me so much more of a quality person for my family.

Moving forward in the new year has been about a journey to find my balance.  It is what strikes a chord in me, what motivates and moves me.  It sets my wheels in motion.  And sometimes, when I am parked in place a little too long and need some support, my husband Alex gives me a gentle loving push on the back and this momentum gets me propelling forward once again.  And sometimes, I just take a nap.

How do you like to create your balance?  I would love to know what strikes a chord in you.  Feel free to share here in the comments bellow.  I will part for now with a little old Irish saying, as you move forward in the new year:

Book on the Roof

A couple of Sundays ago, Alex left for the Army JAG School in Charlotsville, Virginia.   We had been there together several years ago, when Jake was a baby and Alex had a military course.  It is a lovely area with great restaurants and beautiful scenery.   As the days got closer, I felt myself getting more stressed about holding down the fort on my own.  Knowing I wasn't going to have an easy week ahead, Alex gave up his usual Sunday morning to sleep in.  Those two days in a row of sleeping in, almost felt like a mini-spa vacation weekend, especially, since during the following week, I barely slept.   Still, I was anxious about the week that was coming right up, but more refreshed than usual, thanks to my thoughtful guy - a true mensch.

Max, remembering that his dad's last trip was to Alaska, would say throughout the week "Dad, I wanna go wiyou Awaska."  Alex would correct him and tell him that he's not leaving yet, and that he's going to Virginia this time.  "You go Ginia Dad?" Max would question.  "How about the next time Dad goes to Alaska, I take you with me?" to which I quickly added, "make sure you mention, not on business, because you could feasibly get sent there again."   So at some point down the road, Max will be looking forward to a trip to snowman's land, because a child mostly hears what he wants to hear, of course. 

Alex was gone by 9:45 AM that Sunday morning.  As the clouds came into alignment at high noon, little disasters start brewing and stewing, revving up their engines; contemplating what to throw my way, and in which order.  It was only a matter of time before I get hit with the first one.   Like clockwork, there are always potty accidents when dad goes out of town.   It didn't happen just yet, but I was anticipating it - trying to get into a defensive mode of play.   The Wonder Woman costume was proverbially coming out of the closet, and as an emblem, getting thrown on.  The invisible jet hovers over the house in preparation for the first indication of trouble.   Low and behold, it came from the least likely source, later that afternoon.

Mistake #1 - Why did I bother trying to get the twins down for a nap today?

I hand Jake his IPad after lunch and proceed to get the twins down for a nap.  Before I know it, I am in there for a whole hour.  This already leaves me slightly agitated so I decide to leave them in there, to see if they quiet down and go to sleep on their own.  I know that this was probably wishful thinking.  It has happened on occasion though, and I needed the break.  I then take Jake outside to play.

Mistake #2 - Why did I let Jake take his book outside?

Over the past couple of weeks, Jake has been trying to take his toys out into the yard.  Big hit items include books, stuffed animals, and anything else that he can get his hands on; throwing it up in the air to see what happens.  That sounds like a good enough plan.  From past experience, I've learned to block him from taking his stuffed animals outside, as they often end up getting thrown into the neighbor's yard.  I can fully appreciate the thrill factor for him.  The book, well, he mostly wants to hold it while he's on the swing or the slide.  So what's the worse that could happen, right? 

Wrong!  At that point I remember that I ought to go in to check on the twins, as they are not yet quieting down.  I open the door and witness the twins in the process of busily moving Miriam's bed across the room; Max simultaneously informs me that he needs to go potty.  We take care of this matter, and I order the troops to get back to bed, as I shift gears into my tough authoritative tone; letting them know that I'm not playing around this time.  Out I go into the back yard, and see that Jake clearly appears to be very irritated.  "Book, book, I want book."  I realize that his book is missing.  I start looking all over the yard for it, asking him what he did with his book, and why did he take his book out there?  I then turn around to face the house, giving into the notion of a possible ridiculous scenario.  I slowly lift my head to look up.  The book is on the roof! Oy!  Threatening to take the book away if he does this again, I resort to that (mostly) authoritative tone; realizing that yes, I shouldn't have let him take the book out there in the first place.

The book on the roof

Now what? My kid is upset, and his book is on the roof!  It's not the kind of thing that you'd expect to see at someone's house on any given day, but there we were.  If there were only a fiddler up there to ask for help (I chuckle on the inside).  In past scenarios, I've gotten Puppy (his favorite stuffed animal) off the roof when it was close to the edge, but I wasn't sure that I could reach the book.   Thinking on my feet, I go to the laundry room to get the step ladder and kitchen broom.  I march back outside, feeling less then thrilled, proceeding to climb up the ladder with my fuzzy slippers and polka-dotted bathrobe.  Moments later, I triumphantly rescue the book off the roof.  Returning it to Jake, I remind him that throwing the book on the roof again, will result in its confiscation.   I then should have had Jake go back inside.  The day was still young however, and I didn't want him to be inside for too long, fearing he would get restless.   That is our most encountered issue during the weekends.  Before I am able to make the right call, I get distracted with noise coming from the twins' room.  I go back inside to have the cute sleepy-eyed energizer bunnies come out and play in the family room. 

Mistake #3 - Why did I leave the twins to "nap" in their room after I checked in on them for the second time?  The third time I return to their room, I see that their room has been basically flipped upside down - the stuffed animals are all over Max's bed, and books are scattered all over the floor.  I hurriedly start cleaning up, fearing that I am probably nearing the next strike of disaster, and remember that I ought to check up on Jake.  I go outside.  It's like Groundhog Day: "Book, book, I want book,"  my son exclaims.  This time, Book is farther up the roof.  I shout "Jake, I told you not to throw the book up there again!"  Followed by "This time Mommy can't get it down!"  I figure that the book would probably just get blown off at the next wind storm, or eventually disintegrate in the rain.  In any case, it was a job that was not going to get completed on this day, by this one mom.  We came back into the house and I return to my unfinished cleaning project.

As I putt items away in the twin's room, I notice that Max's bed is covered in gold glitter.  I couldn't figure out how the glitter got there, but now there was the additional task of shaking out the sheet and remaking the bed.  One task leads to another, and another task, followed by yet another, in a string of miscellaneous tasks; a glorious taskophony!  When was it going to end?!  Max's voice interrupts my cluttered thoughts with "Miriam peed!" Okay, I thought, I will take care of it when I'm done cleaning up (reassured that she's in a pull-up).  A minute later, I hear him say the same thing, and then Miriam comes to inform me of the unpleasant news, in an unhappy tone.  I go to check, and think oh, no big deal, as I see the pull-up.  Two seconds later, I quickly do a double take.  I realize that it's not a pull-up; she had put herself into underwear all by herself, for the first time!  It had to be on the weekend I was on my own, of course.  As I go to change her, she starts to lose her balance, hits my face with such a force that you wouldn't expect to come from the hand of a three year old, right onto my glasses.  "Ouch!" I respond loudly.  This causes her to cry, adding to the unfortunate stringed series of ridiculous events.  I have to stop everything to take the necessary time out to comfort her, before anything else.  To make a long story short, we got through it.  Everything and everyone (eventually) got cleaned up.

It was just about time again for the brewing of the next disaster.

I take the kids to play in the back yard and within a couple of minutes, I notice that Jake is holding Book again.  But how??  I slowly look up at the roof, and there is no book up there.  How did this happen? It wasn't windy outside for the book to blow off the roof.  It wasn't even breezy, for that matter.   Maybe it was the invisible jet, or perhaps it was the fiddler on the roof?  Why not?  I came up with all sorts of ideas just to lighten up my deteriorated mood.  I needed a good laugh, but I had absolutely no practical answer to this dilemma.

My little Fiddler lost his violin bow in San Antonio

The following day I was playing with Jake outside, and he said "book!" again.   He got up on one of the lawn chairs and motioned up to the roof.  Much to my dismay, there it was - after all the trouble yesterday.  That little book was up there on the roof, again.  It wasn't however situated at the same spot from yesterday, but several feet away at the crease of the roof, and several feet higher.  I chalked it up to not having seeing it there yesterday, possibly due to the way the light hit the roof.  I still couldn't figure out however, how the book had moved several feet over from it's original location.  Even so, my child wanted his book, and I had no idea how to get it.

After I returned home from picking up the twins, later that evening, Jake's ABA tutor told me that Jake did something very clever.  When they were playing/working outside he said "book" to her and climbed on the lawn chair to motion for it, as he had done so with me.  She looked up, saw the book, and most assuredly said to herself, holy cow, there's a book on the roof! - "how do we get it down?" she asked Jake (not anticipating a response, but just talking out loud), to which he actually answered with an unprompted reply, "throw the ball!"  Thrilled to have him verbalize this, she texted me as I was driving, disclosing that something exciting had happened back home, but didn't give away the surprise.  She did as Jake suggested.  She threw the ball up at the roof several times, finally hitting the book.  Sure enough, down came Book.  

#1 smart thing that I did all day?

I hired a babysitter from 4-8PM and went to see a movie and have dinner with a friend.  Ironically, the movie was Silver Lining.  By the time that 4PM rolled around, I needed the break from all the mishigas (chaos, in Yiddish).  This felt like I was intelligently able to plan ahead for some down time, and I was pretty pleased with myself for concocting up this wicked little plan.   Later that evening, it initially took me half an hour to get Jake to sleep.  After talking with Alex that night on the phone, I heard noise coming from Jake's room and saw that his light was on.  I realized that this wasn't going to be a quick fix, as nothing was that day.  It took me an additional hour to get him back to sleep.  This was day #1 of Alex's week away.  I felt reassured that it would be the most eventful one here.  The rest should be easier coasting.  As the school week begins, I would have some time during the day to pace and recharge myself for the kids.  

After Alex returned home from his trip and previewed this current post, he said "so that's how the book got off the roof  - Jake had thrown the ball up there all by himself and knocked the book down that way."  Now, why didn't I think of that? Apparently, I did not give my son enough credit for his clever problem solving skills, although, I had always said that he was a good problem solver, hum!

So what do I take away from this experience?  How do I try to be more prepared for the next time that Alex goes out of town? What is the moral of this story anyway?  I came up with the following:

Trying to have a "normal" day when your co-captain-teammate is out of town, 

is like thinking that you can escape to the roof to read a book;

It doesn't happen very often.  

So get through it as best as you can.

Don't worry about being graceful or being judged,

and laugh about it later over a glass of wine.

We are a team, Alex and I.  We do the best that we can.  We both make a big effort on our individual side.  I do more with the kids when he's gone, and he has to endure being away from the family and the comforts of home.  We make mistakes.  We try to learn something from them.  We move on to the next thing.

To other military moms out there, who endure similar scenarios when a spouse is away;  I salute all that you do.  Be brave holding down the fort, and may the power be with you!

What are some of your tips for making this kind of scenario work in your home?  Do special needs or other a-typical aspects play into your family equation?  I'd love to know if you have any suggestions or funny bits to share.  Feel free to post your ideas in my comment section bellow.

Cheers!

Lily and the Roses